I'm exhausted today, but that's kinda no change really, is it? :P
I think that a whole hour of actually people-ing with people in the RL where people go might have had a bigger effect on me than I first thought, because my sleep is all over the place and I just can't seem to.. well, people. *blinks*
I thought I'd try something different for a picture today. I was feeling kinda basic, and trying to be lazy but it turns out quite a lot goes into these lookbook style pictures, so kudos to those of you who do it regularly!
Generally, I try to credit people when I get inspiration, but for the life of me I can't remember who on facebook did something similar lately. I have added a lil bit of Pickle flair that may have come from other Flickr users, so thank you to everyone who already does this for giving my brain a new thing to try! ♥
I know there'd usually be a man-Pickle or at least a Durex in this post, but obviously today they're both missing, and you're left with some nude Pickle butt. Not sorry!
I think I may have discussed this previously, but I have -diagnosed by a therapist- Borderline Personality Disorder and lately, I've been watching some online videos regarding this uh.. condition? Personality? I don't even know what to call it because "Mental Issue" just sounds eeky and like I'm ready to stab someone with a machete at any moment, which really isn't the case... (mostly).
I'm not sure how many of you will identify with this disorder, but I'm sure there will be a few of you that even though you don't have this condition, you may relate on some level, because let's face it, you don't have to be bonkers to feel some type of way sometimes. Anywho, specifically referring to the issues I've always experienced with maintaining healthy friendships and relationships, I've learned that the a lot of the traits I have there are actually borderline traits, and I'd like to talk about that a little. Now, don't for a moment think that just because I'm talking about this, and you potentially identify with something similar that you have Borderline, but if you do your own research and feel like you might, I highly recommend talking to your doctor or therapist and finding out for certain. don't diagnose yourself for lawds sake!
So according to my research, as a person with Borderline, I'm unable to stay in a grey area when it comes to people and their actions... and this has proven to be true a LOT recently. I have a tendency to be either "Yep, they're awesome" or "Nope, avoid", and people that sit within that grey area for me are kinda irrelevant and I am unable to focus on.. but honestly, that grey area is TEENY TINY in the grand scheme of things, I'll either decide immediately that I like or dislike you, or I'll fold you into the grey area of "I don't mind you.. BUT."
There's also the huge issue of being unable to see past black and white, like "Hey I like you today" but when your actions don't match your words, I can't quite compute that, and suddenly you're a terrible person and now I'm ranting and trying to understand why it is I think you're a terrible person when actually, you've only done one minor thing that isn't -perfect- but I can't unsee it and now I'm spiraling and OMG!
So I knew I did these things. More recently, I have been desperately trying to understand why I have always felt like this, and it was only thanks to the accidental youtube binge I went on that I discovered it was most definitely a borderline trait.
Now, I'm not saying that because it's a part of my 'mental illness' it's something that I (or you by proxy) should just deal with - I really don't feel that way at all. However, it does allow me to forgive myself for the past issues I've had with friendships and relationships, and now I'm fully aware that it is part of my brain malfunctioning, I will hopefully be in a position to correct it as it happens.
That being said, it does leave me in a bit of a tizz when I think about it, because now I really do second guess myself, but as I said to Potato a couple of days ago, "When I get that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about a person, does it really matter if it's just my borderline?" I guess I'll keep you updated!
I may refer to my "Midlife Crisis" fairly often, but it really is a journey of self-discovery, and of self acceptance and improvement. I am not perfect. I will never BE perfect... but I can be better and I really feel like the greater the understanding I have of my mental illness, the more facets of it I can work on, and ANYONE who is mad at personal improvement is just not worth worrying about.
Things that go here normally aren't here today, because you can't see my pose and it was a green screen background...
Anywho, MOAR SKINS? Yes please!
Go&See released "Laura" at the Gloss event, and I am IN LOVE. When I showed Potato he was equally as impressed and asked what it was called, and when I told him he said "Wow, so it was literally made for you!" because Laura is my RL name! (It wasn't made for me, but I'm going to pretend anyway, ok?)
I'm actually loving this style of portrait at the moment, too and it might be something I continue with for skins and stuff, so be prepared to see many more like this!
Below you'll be able to see a sneaky lil tone pic of all the options available for the Laura skin, bear in mind it also comes with a no eyebrow version, and optional freckles, which I haven't shown.
Happy Saturday, Spoonies, wishing you all love and light.
