I know there'd usually be a man-Pickle or at least a Durex in this post, but obviously today they're both missing, and you're left with some nude Pickle butt. Not sorry!
I think I may have discussed this previously, but I have -diagnosed by a therapist- Borderline Personality Disorder and lately, I've been watching some online videos regarding this uh.. condition? Personality? I don't even know what to call it because "Mental Issue" just sounds eeky and like I'm ready to stab someone with a machete at any moment, which really isn't the case... (mostly).
I'm not sure how many of you will identify with this disorder, but I'm sure there will be a few of you that even though you don't have this condition, you may relate on some level, because let's face it, you don't have to be bonkers to feel some type of way sometimes. Anywho, specifically referring to the issues I've always experienced with maintaining healthy friendships and relationships, I've learned that the a lot of the traits I have there are actually borderline traits, and I'd like to talk about that a little. Now, don't for a moment think that just because I'm talking about this, and you potentially identify with something similar that you have Borderline, but if you do your own research and feel like you might, I highly recommend talking to your doctor or therapist and finding out for certain. don't diagnose yourself for lawds sake!
So according to my research, as a person with Borderline, I'm unable to stay in a grey area when it comes to people and their actions... and this has proven to be true a LOT recently. I have a tendency to be either "Yep, they're awesome" or "Nope, avoid", and people that sit within that grey area for me are kinda irrelevant and I am unable to focus on.. but honestly, that grey area is TEENY TINY in the grand scheme of things, I'll either decide immediately that I like or dislike you, or I'll fold you into the grey area of "I don't mind you.. BUT."
There's also the huge issue of being unable to see past black and white, like "Hey I like you today" but when your actions don't match your words, I can't quite compute that, and suddenly you're a terrible person and now I'm ranting and trying to understand why it is I think you're a terrible person when actually, you've only done one minor thing that isn't -perfect- but I can't unsee it and now I'm spiraling and OMG!
So I knew I did these things. More recently, I have been desperately trying to understand why I have always felt like this, and it was only thanks to the accidental youtube binge I went on that I discovered it was most definitely a borderline trait.
Now, I'm not saying that because it's a part of my 'mental illness' it's something that I (or you by proxy) should just deal with - I really don't feel that way at all. However, it does allow me to forgive myself for the past issues I've had with friendships and relationships, and now I'm fully aware that it is part of my brain malfunctioning, I will hopefully be in a position to correct it as it happens.
That being said, it does leave me in a bit of a tizz when I think about it, because now I really do second guess myself, but as I said to Potato a couple of days ago, "When I get that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about a person, does it really matter if it's just my borderline?" I guess I'll keep you updated!
I may refer to my "Midlife Crisis" fairly often, but it really is a journey of self-discovery, and of self acceptance and improvement. I am not perfect. I will never BE perfect... but I can be better and I really feel like the greater the understanding I have of my mental illness, the more facets of it I can work on, and ANYONE who is mad at personal improvement is just not worth worrying about.
I know. For most of you, that'll consist of a regular day, but for me... well some of you will know that I didn't leave the house for a pretty long period of time and have only recently started dipping my toe back into the outside world... so it has challenges.
I slept the night before, which is a giant leap forward. Recently, I've been worrying about my forays into the real word to the point where I couldn't sleep. This time however, I woke up at a reasonable hour and then realized I had two hours before I left the house.
Those two hours mainly consisted of me over thinking every possible scenario in my head. and instead of this occurring in an overtired, sleepy Pickle brain, it was now occurring in an incredibly well rested Pickle brain, so therefore the scenarios were slightly more elaborate. I had to get cash out. What if the cash machine were broken? What if I saw someone I know, and had to explain where i've been for the past 400 years? What if I had to ask someone for help, what if I couldn't reach the ketchup, what if they were out of butter, what if what if what if???
Not only was I incredibly well rested, but I also only had two hours to panic, so for two hours, poor Potato sat on Discord with me while I made stupid noises, spoke out loud in half formed sentences because I often talk to him in my head, and made flapping noises by covering my hands with my giant sweater and for whatever reason pretended I was a bird (Not literally, but that was the action).
Whenever I'm anxious, my leg always twitches too, so I had that going ten to the dozen too.
Anyway.. I managed to go. I left the house, I got my groceries, and I came home and locked the door and haven't actually left the house again yet - but tomorrow, tomorrow I will...
The only reason I write all this is because that's MY battle, and everyone has at least one going on in their lives.
Please, remember to be kind. That crazy lady that needs a little extra help to reach the eggs might just be trying to sort her shit out. That screaming child in aisle four might be autistic and completely out of their comfort zone. All manner of ailments both mental and physical affect people, and sometimes you just can't see them by looking.
The Chanel skin from Revoul is available at the brand new A+ event, and the pretty eyeballs are at Shiny Shabby!
I'm wearing the 'new' Lelutka head Piper, but the skin also comes available for Catwa, Genus and Omega, but as usual, DEMO FIRST because shading and results will vary depending on the head you're using!
Shown above are the tones RE05, RE10, RE15, RE20, RE25, RE30, RE35 and RE40
The skin comes in a no brow option too.. but I neglected to take a picture on that. I'll take my wrist slaps like a champ though!
