Today I've been thinking about the quote "We accept the love we think we deserve" and what that means to me.
For a long time, I don't think I equated "me" with "worthy of love", so every time I found something that seemed to present itself as affection, I gripped it with both hands and attempted to cling on, even when it wasn't right. That, or when it was "too good to be true" I felt like I was undeserving, and found excuses to run away from it, or put obstacles in the way - because why would anything be 'right'?
Another saying that goes along side this was phrased best (in my opinion) by RuPaul. "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" and this has been a bone of contention for me. I'm not saying I'm in love with me, I'm not. I have a long way to go before I think that can happen... but I definitely like myself a lot more than I have for a long while. Before, I thought that this saying was bullshit. I thought that despite me not loving me, or giving myself the attention I need, I was beyond capable of showing love. I wasn't, and I wonder if even now, I'm capable.
I do see a difference, already. In being kinder to myself, it's becoming easier to calm me when I get upset. I'm learning to listen to my gut far more than I have in the past, and if something feels bad I am able to quit out - often before I've worked out why it's bad. It's also easier for me to forgive and understand others. None of us are born perfect, and sometimes we make mistakes.
I never seem to be able to write exactly what I want to say, or how I want to say it, but my message here remains the same as it always is, be kind to each other - but even more importantly, be kind to yourself.
I'm so stinkin' excited to be a new member of the Enchantment blogger team!
Today marks the opening of the new round, and it's themed (can we make an educated guess?) The Frog Prince! You can find all the fabulous details of the designers, organizers and bloggers involved in this epic masterpiece on this website >Here<
I was trying to remind myself of the story, but on my search of wikipedia, I quickly discovered that there are several variations, and I'm not entirely sure which one I would equate to the 'original' that I heard. The general outline of the story remains the same, Princess finds frog, Frog eventually turns into Prince and they live happily ever after.
However, there seems to be a few details that are always changing. In some versions, the Princess is kind. In others, she is a bit of a spoiled brat. Personally, I would prefer to go with the kind version.
Still, whatever Frog Prince story you're familiar with, this event is sure to be an absolute gem. I fully encourage you to visit the immersive shopping experience, and also to try out the hunt that runs along side it, again, details can be found on the website.
I've been watching youtube for a while this morning, and specifically, Gabby Hanna. She's kind of well known for dealing with drama in her personal life, she's pretty blatant and I feel an odd sort of kinship with her, because it really does seem as though she's a little further in her personal self-betterment journey. Anyway, she mentioned something in one of her videos that really struck home with me, and she said :
"Find a way to be grateful for your pain"
At the time, she was discussing her 'art', and was just commenting on how she felt like she'd been through a lot, but was glad for those experiences because it had helped her develop creatively, and had become a source of inspiration to her too.
It's not the first time I've heard stories about that, and it's also well known that artists such as Van Gogh, and more recently Robin Williams and various musical influencers used their mental health issues to create masterpieces too, and while many of these beautifully creative people suffered immensely, and oftentimes have passed before their time, the remnants of them are left in their art - and I think that is an amazing legacy.
I know that mental health is probably something I reference a lot in my rantings, but I can't help but feel like it does need to be spoken about more. It needs to become more widely accepted that we are ALL on a spectrum, and just because you feel like you can't relate right now, it doesn't mean that you won't need help at some point later in life.
Your mind is a fragile thing, and I am discovering more every day that it is incredibly important to treat yourself with respect. You can be the sweetest, kindest person in the entire world - but if you're not capable of treating yourself with the same hand you treat everyone else, you're only going to exhaust yourself.
Think positively today, peeps. After all, if nothing else it's nearly the weekend!
There are definitely certain days where no matter what I do, I just can't "brain" normally, and my mind blanks and I spend an entire day with a plan in my head, only to be completely distracted by other, less important things that shouldn't even be on my radar, let alone be considered as a potential thought process. Yesterday was one of those days for me.
I can't even tell you why, or how, but literally nothing was adding up or making sense. It took me three times as long to edit my pictures for the blog, and I think I watched about 5 movies on netfix.
Of course, I use the term watched very loosely, because I was so zoned out I can't even remember the names of the movies, let alone the storyline.
Along my journey of being a better me, I've opened up a lot to people who were technically just 'acquaintances', but because of their acceptance of my weirdness and the bizarre place I'm in, they've now become a staple part of my friends circle. One of the theories that I'm currently keen on discussing with them, is that when I was sick - and I was apparently a lot closer to being really sick than I was aware of - I didn't have the energy for my mental health to be in too much turmoil. So although there were little "Crazy Pickle" flare ups, there wasn't anything that made me worry. However, now that I'm starting to get some physical strength back, I really do feel like the crazy is seeping out of me! I have way more energy than I did before, and I'm still kind-of stuck in the same position I always was and that part is going to continue being a slowly slowly deal so I don't overwhelm myself.
So, to those that know me, thank you for sticking around during my mood swings and various rants (the rants aren't new, but the subject matter is!), and thank you for supporting me through this.
To those of you that don't know me, none of the above should even matter from a personal standpoint, but just remember that if someone seems a little 'off' it's probably not about you, just try to be there from a distance, if necessary. Not everything is a personal attack, sometimes, it just needs to be talked out and explained in detail... and when that happens, it shouldn't be considered "drama" but "further understanding a future friend".
I've been rocking my Genus head again for a few days, and while it's still technically in Beta and not released publicly again yet, it has been updated to omega, so I've been experimenting with hairbases, make-ups and other cool bits and pieces. I've worked out that most Logo appliers will work for the head, and that's due to the fact that Logo is omega based.
In other news, I've been really stinking lucky this week, and been invited to three new blogger teams. Now, I don't really know how or why this happened, but I was obviously over the moon when I was approached by the blogger managers for Culprit, Hextraordinary and The Enchantment event.
I don't like making a big song and dance over 'sponsorships' across social media, because I know how it feels to watch someone get a spot you were really hoping for, and while there's always going to be a "Yay congrats!" to them, my stomach does sometimes do a flip flop and make me wonder why I wasn't 'enough' to join that particular team.
The truth is, there are many reasons as to why you are or aren't selected for a team. I still feel like I'm not a 'real' blogger. I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable being all "Yeah, hi. I'm Pickle, and I'm a blogger." I have so much to learn, and there are so many different ways to present items... I just hope I do those who put their trust in me justice, and am terribly grateful to those who have supported my ramblings and pictures thus far.
