Emptying my lungs.

Pose & Bench : Ana Poses - Isfahan @ TMD

Location : My homestead (kinda public, kinda not.. be nice!)

So yesterdays adventure into the real world was absolutely freakin' exhausting.

I've started getting really, really anxious before something happens that means I have to leave the house, and although I DID manage to go to my parents special Anniversary dinner, it was nothing short of a miracle, 

At around 5am Sunday morning, having not yet slept and knowing I'd be leaving the house at around 10am, I found myself in my kitchen having a bit of a melt-down. I wish I could explain all the thoughts in my head, but anyone who has a tendency to overthink and/or suffers with anxiety will be able to tell you it'll start with something very simple, and end up with your chest heaving while you're clinging on to the kitchen cabinets for dear life while the kettle boils somewhere in the far off distance.

I did consider saying I couldn't make it. Just for a minute, of course... but I knew if I said no this time, it might be a really long time before I said yes again, and I can't have that. I have to do these ridiculously basic things with the people I love, not just for them, but for me.

The advantage of my managing to drag my half-undead body from my flat to the restaurant was that I ate a bloody amazing meal, and my dad got inebriated while my brother, who was driving, sulked playfully at being sober over his rather yummy looking steak.

All in all, it was totally worth the anxiety and I'm glad I didn't miss another family milestone.

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : [theSkinnery] Luca (Catwa Applier) 

Body Skin : Clef de Peau.

Head :  CATWA HEAD Stanley

Eyes : HERMONY / EYES OF THE BEHOLDER 

Glasses :  MIRROR - Lamour Glasses @ TMD

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

UNISEX [MANDALA]STRETCHED_Ears_Season2 HUMAN

Hairbase : Stealthic Male Hairbase

Hair : Modulus - Miles Hair @ TMD

Tattoo : *Bolson / Tattoo Cronopios Collection - Knoxx 

Jacket & Shirt : BlankLine Jacket @ TMD

Jeans : GUTCHI - Bandana Denim Premium @ TMD

Sneakers : [ VERSOV ] SHARKOV_SNEAKERS @ TMD

Caught off guard.

Pose : Ana Poses - We See

Decor :  [USB] - Industrial Table (Adult) @ TMD

 Apple Fall Handbag & Scarf

Taken in the Apple Fall Country Hall @ my homestead.

Ok so my brain has well and truly been up my backside today, and I've neglected to think of a subject to write about, also, tomorrow I will be going out with family for my first 'public' meal since I've been feeling better... so that's possibly weighing on my mind a little. I mean, who wants to sit a freakin' restaurant with a bunch of people they don't know, feeling super self conscious while celebrating a 40th Wedding Anniversary?

I actually asked my Dad how he felt about being married to my mum for that long, and I was hoping/expecting for some beautiful sentiment or maybe at a push, something flattering about his children (eg, me.) but no. The response I got was "To be honest, I'm kinda numb to it now."

Now I'm remembering and giggling to myself like a plonker!

In other news, TMD is open, Lads! Go grab your new things!

xoxo

All of the things, Durex :

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : Not Found - Robert Skin 

Head :  CATWA HEAD Skell

Hair & Hat : Vango. Joe

Ears : [MANDALA]STRETCHED_Ears_Season2 HUMAN

Nails in ear : [CX] Heavily Nailed (Group Gift)

Beard & Scar : IDTTY Faces - Sharp Beard [CUT]

Tattoo : DAPPA -  Shiryo V2 Tattoo. @ Limit8

Sweater : TORI TORRICELLI //  Dakota Turtle Neck Sweater @ TMD

Pants : TORI TORRICELLI //  Dakota Chino @ TMD

Sneakers : .TORI TORRICELLI Downtown Sneakers @ TMD

All of the things, Pickle : 

Body : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara

Head : GENUS Project (babyface)

Skin : DeeTaleZ *Appliers* GENUS Head "Roxana"

Ears : L'Etre - Pure mesh ears  

Hair : *barberyumyum*S03

Glasses : #SHOOK - Lunari Sunglasses

Necklace : (Yummy) Supernova Necklace 

Shirt : BUENO-Rucy Top For The Saturday Sale

Pants : .:villena:. Destroyed Mom Jeans
Shoes : [Juju] Lorelei Cream

Where my home is.

Pose : Tifa Poses : it's beginning to look alot like christmas 

Decor : hive // christmas tree farm

Mesh peoples : YO_V.boy-004

YO_V.Winter_People

YO_People Talking

HPMD* Dirt Road - snowy

Various Pine Trees from : .:Bee Designs:.  

tarte. @ N21

3DTrees

--ANHELO-T04RD-17CGA :: christmas 2017 (red)

I've had this idea in my head for so ages, but finding a pose was exceptionally difficult... and then when i found the pose, the tree that came with it was all sorts of weird, and i had to resize a massive landscaping tree and OMG all the random oddness. Haha.

Anywho, Durex is back... HURRAY!! I gotta admit I really love how he looks in this! I have no idea why he's shirtless in the cold - some people are just bonkers, and as he's technically me I feel like this goes without saying. 

I've used some mesh peoples in this picture, and the inspiration behind that comes from someone who's pictures I often admire from afar. Geena Carminucci can be found on flickr and on her blog. I thoroughly believe in giving credit where it's due, and if you don't know this amazingly talented lady's work, where the fuck have you been and what are you doing with your life?

I loveeee my facebook at the moment. So much absolute positivity, amazingly talented people sharing their artwork and general a feeling of love and community, and even though I'll always be a bit of a weird loner, I will ALWAYS long for more of these feels. 

Merry Christmas, ya filthy Spoonies (make this a thing, love it, pls).

xoxo

All of the things, Pickle : 

Body : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara

Head : GENUS Project (babyface)

Skin & Eyelashes : [okkbye] bunnie tone001 

Blush : TS Omega Cold Days Heart Blush Applier @ The Arcade

Blush 2 : Avoixs - Winter Blushes @ B U S A N

Hair & Hat : #Foxy - Teddy. @ Kustom9 

Jacket : Native - Drift Jacket @ TMD

Pants : Native - Groove Pants All Colors

Sneakers : FLITE. Retro Gliders V2 

All of the things, Durex : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : Not Found - Robert Skin 

Head :  CATWA HEAD Skell

Cap : 10_BlankLine Killer Gacha [Cap] white @ TMD

Ears : [MANDALA]STRETCHED_Ears_Season2 HUMAN

Nails in ear : [CX] Heavily Nailed (Group Gift)

Beard & Scar : IDTTY Faces - Sharp Beard [CUT]

Tattoo : DAPPA -  Shiryo V2 Tattoo. @ Limit8

Jacket : 05_BlankLine Killer Gacha [Hoodie] black @ TMD

Sweatpants : CHUCK'S RENAN PANTS @ TMD

Sneakers : [ VERSOV ] MOUNTOV_BOOTS_@ TMD

Just a hit.

Pose : Ana Poses  - Valencian 3@ TMD

Photo taken at my (potentially forever) unfinished home.

I've been reflecting a lot today, and I just wanna put it out there that I can be an asshole.

By asshole, I mean sometimes I just cannot keep my mouth shut.

For me to make sense of things, I need to vent.. and sometimes my choice of who I vent to can be somewhat uh.. fucked up. 

See, I kind of have this habit of blurting, whether I've just met someone or I've known them for a while, I often scoop myself all the way up onto my high horse and preach to the hilltops about my personal opinions. While I'm much more confident in my opinions lately, that doesn't mean that everyone needs to know them, nor does it mean they care. I need to remember this.

I do have a habit of talking shit, too. Nothing that I can relate to 'gossip' as such, it's more like I'm really trying to work out WHY something happened, why I feel the way I do about a situation, what -I- could have done differently and why someone else reacted the way they did.

If I "talk shit" there's a 90% chance that I have already told the person I'm talking shit about how I feel, but again - that's not really anyone else's business. and it's certainly not my job to point out the flaws of others when I am so un-perfect myself.

I was considering the idea of new years resolutions today, and I think I've decided what mine is. I don't often make resolutions, because I feel like for the most part they are unrealistic, but for 2019, I want to do better at dealing with a situation and moving on. For my own sanity, I need to let things go, confide more in people that genuinely care and aren't just floaters in my life, and I definitely need to mind my own fucking business.

I really want to project positivity, and if I'm concentrated so firmly on other people and how negative they are (to ME), I will never achieve the serenity inside myself that I'm aiming for.

Happy Monday!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : [theSkinnery] Luca (Catwa Applier) @ TMD

Body Skin : Clef de Peau.@ TMD

Head :  CATWA HEAD Stanley

Eyes : HERMONY / EYES OF THE BEHOLDER 

Glasses : MIRROR - Miguel Glasses @ TMD

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

UNISEX [MANDALA]STRETCHED_Ears_Season2 HUMAN

Hairbase : Stealthic Male Hairbase

Hair : Dura-U89  @ TMD 

Tattoo : *Bolson / Tattoo Cronopios Collection - Knoxx @ TMD

Necklaces : [MANDALA]YOLO-Jewelry-set

Coat : Hotdog - Morbid manteaux . @ TMD

Pants : {COLD-ASH} Mens GRAYSON Roll Up Trousers @ TMD

Shoes : [ VERSOV ] MOUNTOV_BOOTS_ @ TMD

I don't need right now.

Pose : Ana Poses - Valencian 5 @ TMD

Decor : ::no13:: mobile home Gacha @ TMD

220ML - Keeping Warm @ TMD

Lemme start off by saying a big thank you to Apple, who is currently "Apple Bottom" and did indeed, lend me her butt. TA LOVE!

I think it looks like Man-Pickle has been behaving badly in this photograph. Maybe he's pinched Apple's butt one too many times and she's sent him out of the cabin to think about what he's done while she tidies up his awful mess and eats her breakfast in peace. Man-Pickle is however considering all the ways he could get her back, and contemplating dumping the contents of the marshmallow bucket in her hot chocolate! Is that really a bad thing though? 

Check below for all the details!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : Clef de Peau.Dasan [CATWA] @ TMD

Head :  CATWA HEAD Stanley

Eyes : HERMONY / EYES OF THE BEHOLDER 

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

Hairbase : Stealthic Male Hairbase

Hair & Hat : Modulus - Lewis Hat & Hair @ TMD 

Tattoo : *Bolson / Tattoo Cronopios Collection - Knoxx @ TMD

Pants : [ ARCBACK ] - My Jeans @ TMD

Spite me.

Pose & Spraycan : Ana Poses - Putian 1 @ TMD

Background & Props : VARONIS - (No) Way Out Background (Free!) @ Access
Scooter : Culprit ModSquad Scooter Mirrors @ Tannenbaum

I cannot brain today, so have some things!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : STRAY DOG - UREI @ TMD

Head :  CATWA HEAD Stanley

Eyes : HERMONY / EYES OF THE BEHOLDER @ TMD

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

Hairbase : Stealthic Male Hairbase

Hair : Modulus - Joe Hair @ TMD

Mask : *lunacy* // Hollow Mask

Tattoo : DAPPA - Gods Tattoo. @ TMD

Pants : COMPLEX / C-WAY JOGGERS @ TMD

Sneakers SEMLLER SKATE SNEAKERS @ TMD

Clean.

Pose Left (inc umbrella) : *!R.O!* Classic Man BENTO Pose 2

Pose Centre (Inc umbrella): *!R.O!* Classic Man BENTO Pose 1

Pose Right : FOXCITY. Stairs (Sitting)-3 (For Flat Feet)

Background & prop things :::WetCat::&.:LEMON:.//Backdrop Scene #1

Cat Sitting - Mesh (Marketplace >Here< )

random.Matter - Casse Bench 

Di'Cor Pigeons

Not entirely sure what's going on today, maybe there's a full moon or something, but everything hasn't been working how it's supposed to. Including me! 

However, somehow I've pulled through SL not loading, flickr being weird and facebook deciding to throw a spanner in the works too, and now here we are, back at Man-Pickle Monday! Yay! Finally!

I'm joined by Mal again today, and you can find his credits below... oh, and that cute little old lady? That's my alt, Paloma. You may have met her before. I'm incredibly creeped out because she does look a bit like my RL Mum, but older... and having her thrown around in oftentimes suggestive poses while trying to find a nice sit for her to feed the pigeons was a little bizarre!

Anywho, here's the stuff you come for, credits! 

xoxo

On Mal (Left) : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Head :  CATWA HEAD Daniel

Eyes : HERMONY / EYES OF THE BEHOLDER @ TMD

Ears : L'Etre - Dilator mesh ears 

Hairbase : Stealthic Male Hairbase

Hat : [Deadwool] Bowler hat - black

Suit :  L&B Marc Tuxedo Pinstripe Edition @ TMD

[Deadwool] Ulrich boots

On Man-Pickle (Centre) 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : STRAY DOG - UREI @ TMD

Head :  CATWA HEAD Stanley

Eyes : HERMONY / EYES OF THE BEHOLDER @ TMD

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

Hairbase : Stealthic Male Hairbase

Hair : Modulus - Joe Hair @ TMD

Suit : ..::ILLI::.. Black Lounge Suit @ TMD

[Deadwool] Ulrich boots

Paloma (Old lady!)

WSC - Agnes the Old Woman

Lying to myself.

Background : WR - Over Anxiety 

Pretty sure I've lost my marbles a bit today.

For whatever reason, I have huge, huge issues multitasking. I used to be pretty good.. I could do homework, listen to music, and sometimes I'd even have the telly on too, be texting a bunch of different people and still hold a conversation. Now if I want to watch and notice things on TV I have to clear a space for me to do that. If I want to listen to music I need to hear the lyrics. If I want to have a conversation I need to only have that conversation, and not have any possible distractions... which obviously causes a certain amount of issues.

I often feel incredibly guilty for being all like "Hey, I'm doing something, let me get back to you." especially when that something is as simple as listening to music to pop in this here bloggity blog.

I think I frustrate myself more than anyone else. I get angry for not being able to do things with the ease others seem to, and as I've said before, being a bit of a people pleaser, it's really difficult for me to use the term no because I just feel like I'm failing.

The rational part of me knows this isn't true, it just means that my spoon usage is different!

Anywho. Today is Monday, and that means Man-Pickle is making his appearance. I had this look idea as soon as I grabbed some items from TMD (Opening today!), and I'm super glad the photo came out as it did. I've featured the Stray Dog skin & Hermony eyes, and of course, the hair covers the eyes and the shirt covers the skin, so i've added a little extra picture below for more detail. It's unedited in caIWL, on ultra.

Hopefully that'll give you a better of idea of the quality of the items - plus these eyes are EVERYTHING and I'll probably whack them on again in the other colours available.

xoxo

I kinda think Man-Pickle looks a bit like Johnathon Rhys-Myers...

No? Just me then.

All of the things : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : STRAY DOG - UREI @ TMD

Head :  CATWA HEAD Stanley

Eyes : HERMONY / EYES OF THE BEHOLDER @ TMD

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

Hairbase (lower photo) : Stealthic Male Hairbase

Hair : Dura-U88 @ TMD

Shirt : [Cubic Cherry]  Kai tanktops @ TMD

Holler!

Pose : *!R.O!* Dayum BENTO Friend Pose

Background : BellePoses - Backdrop Fire Escape

Mal is wearing Sleepy Eddy_Hoodie&Cardigan @ TMD

Today I was reminded about a thing that happened back when I started SL over 10 years ago.

Back in the day, you were warned consistently about the dangers of the internet. "You might be talking to an axe murderer, a pedophile, a rapist." it was scary to me to log in and speak to people who might be absolutely terrible. I was also in the middle of a big ol' break up, 500 miles away from home with a small child and no way to get back. I didn't like myself very much and because of that, when I joined SL, I gave out pictures of a person that was not me.

Over time, it became harder and harder to tell fibs to people I cared about. because you really don't expect to start feeling real feels for people on a game when you first start using it, do you? You don't understand that these people you meet aren't imaginary, they're real... with real lives that they might share with you, while you're sat there telling a porkie pie to them. You get to know them, and all the while you have this big black cloud hanging over you,  "What if they work out I'm not me?".

I'm incredibly lucky. Of course, when I came clean there were a few people who dragged me, and rightly so - however, they didn't actually know me, and I had always felt a little off around them. 

The people I DID care about (and some that I had no idea even knew who I was), were incredibly supportive, and now I realize that my outer shell is what it is, and I can't change that - but my inner shell... that's the important part, and if I can find people who love me for my insides, those are the friendships and relationships I need to nurture.

To anyone going through something similar, keep your head up and be proud of who you really are. You are not your body. You are a combination of every experience, every feeling you have and every feeling you have allowed others to feel.. you're a beautiful, interesting, original and unique soul. No one is you (even if they claim to be by using your pictures!), and try to remember that everyone is going through something, and while being a catfish isn't right, there are often underlying issues that need addressing and as with most situations, it should be bought up and talked about with mindfulness & kindness.

xoxo

Here's a slightly better picture of the Birth skin still available at TMD for a little while. Hurry up, before this round closes! 

All of the things : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : *Birth* 'Benjamin' Catwa @ TMD

Head :  CATWA HEAD Daniel

Eyes : -SU!- Ophelia Eyes Fatpack /ULTRARARE/ (Gacha)

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

Beard : [MF] Daniel Bento Faded Hipster Stache & Beard @ TMD

Hair : Modulus - Nial Hair @ TMD

Tattoo : { Speakeasy } Bloodthirsty Tattoo @ TMD

Jacket : BlankLine Shirts+High-necked  @ TMD

Pants : RIOT / Bronn Chino Jeans @ TMD

The real world.

Pose : Ana Poses - Beirut 3 @ TMD

Props : Lemon. Abel Chair (Gray) @ TMD

Lemon. Abel Newspaper @ TMD

Lemon. Abel Lamp (Gray) @ TMD

Lemon. Abel Painting (Gray) @ TMD

uK - Ambition Hall Bench @ TMD

uK - Ambition Art Set @ TMD

uK - Ambition Sheet Metal Sculpture @ TMD

uK - Ambition Knot Pillow @ TMD

uK - Ambition Rug @ TMD

uK - Ambition Star Light @ TMD

+Half-Deer+ Corgi Puppy - Sploot

Taken inside the Scarlet Creative Magicae House 

When I saw this artwork by UnKindness I inwardly squealed.

Overthinking? Why yes. Yes I do!

I can literally overthink ANY subject. Seriously. Give me a subject!

While I don't necessarily enjoy the overthinking thing, I do definitely see some benefits. Apart from people regularly saying "You're thinking about this too much." I honestly believe that the way my thought process works is actually kind of beneficial to me.

Because of my amazing brain, I am now capable of talking myself IN to a situation I would have before avoided and vice versa.

Overthinking has granted me open-mindedness, I can see situations from many angles, and decide upon a path correct for me while considering all sides. 

The struggle I have is the stubbornness that occurs once I think I've thought about everything from all angles. See, when I've made my decision, and it's actually a decision and not just an "Okay im gonna do this for now", it is incredibly difficult for me to sway away from that, and I'll do everything within my power to stay doing what I said I was going to do. 

I'm currently overthinking this entire Pickle-rant, because it very nearly took an entirely different spin and ended up thirty paragraphs long with a detailed conclusion - so before that happens, I hope you enjoy today's Man-Pickle Monday, and allow your brain to take a breather. If you learn how, let me know... I'm almost certain mine is exhausted!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : STRAY DOG - ANDREI @ TMD

Head :  CATWA HEAD Daniel

Eyes : -SU!- Ophelia Eyes Fatpack /ULTRARARE/ (Gacha)

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

Glasses : Sleepy Eddy #Thurmont glasses 

Beard : [MF] Daniel Bento Faded Hipster Stache & Beard @ TMD

Hair : [INK] Hair_SENS @ TMD

Tattoo : { Speakeasy } Bloodthirsty Tattoo @ TMD

Necklace : [ kunst ] - Pentagram necklace @ TMD

Pants : RIOT / Bronn Chino Jeans @ TMD

Shoes : NEWCLOVER))MAZE SHOES @ TMD