Emptying my lungs.

Pose & Bench : Ana Poses - Isfahan @ TMD

Location : My homestead (kinda public, kinda not.. be nice!)

So yesterdays adventure into the real world was absolutely freakin' exhausting.

I've started getting really, really anxious before something happens that means I have to leave the house, and although I DID manage to go to my parents special Anniversary dinner, it was nothing short of a miracle, 

At around 5am Sunday morning, having not yet slept and knowing I'd be leaving the house at around 10am, I found myself in my kitchen having a bit of a melt-down. I wish I could explain all the thoughts in my head, but anyone who has a tendency to overthink and/or suffers with anxiety will be able to tell you it'll start with something very simple, and end up with your chest heaving while you're clinging on to the kitchen cabinets for dear life while the kettle boils somewhere in the far off distance.

I did consider saying I couldn't make it. Just for a minute, of course... but I knew if I said no this time, it might be a really long time before I said yes again, and I can't have that. I have to do these ridiculously basic things with the people I love, not just for them, but for me.

The advantage of my managing to drag my half-undead body from my flat to the restaurant was that I ate a bloody amazing meal, and my dad got inebriated while my brother, who was driving, sulked playfully at being sober over his rather yummy looking steak.

All in all, it was totally worth the anxiety and I'm glad I didn't miss another family milestone.

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : [theSkinnery] Luca (Catwa Applier) 

Body Skin : Clef de Peau.

Head :  CATWA HEAD Stanley

Eyes : HERMONY / EYES OF THE BEHOLDER 

Glasses :  MIRROR - Lamour Glasses @ TMD

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

UNISEX [MANDALA]STRETCHED_Ears_Season2 HUMAN

Hairbase : Stealthic Male Hairbase

Hair : Modulus - Miles Hair @ TMD

Tattoo : *Bolson / Tattoo Cronopios Collection - Knoxx 

Jacket & Shirt : BlankLine Jacket @ TMD

Jeans : GUTCHI - Bandana Denim Premium @ TMD

Sneakers : [ VERSOV ] SHARKOV_SNEAKERS @ TMD

Just a hit.

Pose : Ana Poses  - Valencian 3@ TMD

Photo taken at my (potentially forever) unfinished home.

I've been reflecting a lot today, and I just wanna put it out there that I can be an asshole.

By asshole, I mean sometimes I just cannot keep my mouth shut.

For me to make sense of things, I need to vent.. and sometimes my choice of who I vent to can be somewhat uh.. fucked up. 

See, I kind of have this habit of blurting, whether I've just met someone or I've known them for a while, I often scoop myself all the way up onto my high horse and preach to the hilltops about my personal opinions. While I'm much more confident in my opinions lately, that doesn't mean that everyone needs to know them, nor does it mean they care. I need to remember this.

I do have a habit of talking shit, too. Nothing that I can relate to 'gossip' as such, it's more like I'm really trying to work out WHY something happened, why I feel the way I do about a situation, what -I- could have done differently and why someone else reacted the way they did.

If I "talk shit" there's a 90% chance that I have already told the person I'm talking shit about how I feel, but again - that's not really anyone else's business. and it's certainly not my job to point out the flaws of others when I am so un-perfect myself.

I was considering the idea of new years resolutions today, and I think I've decided what mine is. I don't often make resolutions, because I feel like for the most part they are unrealistic, but for 2019, I want to do better at dealing with a situation and moving on. For my own sanity, I need to let things go, confide more in people that genuinely care and aren't just floaters in my life, and I definitely need to mind my own fucking business.

I really want to project positivity, and if I'm concentrated so firmly on other people and how negative they are (to ME), I will never achieve the serenity inside myself that I'm aiming for.

Happy Monday!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body: [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body

Skin : [theSkinnery] Luca (Catwa Applier) @ TMD

Body Skin : Clef de Peau.@ TMD

Head :  CATWA HEAD Stanley

Eyes : HERMONY / EYES OF THE BEHOLDER 

Glasses : MIRROR - Miguel Glasses @ TMD

Ears : L'Etre - Basic mesh ears 

UNISEX [MANDALA]STRETCHED_Ears_Season2 HUMAN

Hairbase : Stealthic Male Hairbase

Hair : Dura-U89  @ TMD 

Tattoo : *Bolson / Tattoo Cronopios Collection - Knoxx @ TMD

Necklaces : [MANDALA]YOLO-Jewelry-set

Coat : Hotdog - Morbid manteaux . @ TMD

Pants : {COLD-ASH} Mens GRAYSON Roll Up Trousers @ TMD

Shoes : [ VERSOV ] MOUNTOV_BOOTS_ @ TMD

Patience.

Pose : FOXCITY. Glitz-3m (Edited v. slightly)

I know, I know, I ran away and didn't tell you!

I'm sorry!

Sometimes, mental health just creeps up on you and finally, for the first time in almost 10 years, I decided to distance myself from SL for a while.

Some of you will know that this is incredibly difficult for me. For a long time, SL has been somewhat of a crutch, but in recent months it's also become more of a beast in need of caging.

I can't help but see how SL is a boiling pot of people, all coming together to suit their own agendas, and in theory, that idea is beautiful. In reality, what seems we have discovered is that when our masks come off, humanity doesn't seem to care too much about others. We don't have the time to find ourselves, and we're all so hurt that hurting others is an easy alternative to focusing on our issues and building ourselves up. The society of validation has become ridiculous.. no one is responsible for your happiness other than yourself. I can't compete with social media likes, and I refuse to be one of the sheeples that incessantly kisses ass in order to become a someone.

This isn't linked JUST to SL and the internet, but the whole world is in a really crazy state of turmoil, and if you can't see it - I pity you the most.

I am tired.

We are ALL tired.

Plans for the future? Well, I'm going to continue to work on myself. I really do have everything I could possibly need in terms of material items and emotional support. I have a good group of friends that understand me and can kick my ass if needed, but will also lift me up and be legitimately proud of my accomplishments.

The whole idea of someone blowing smoke up my arse in order to make themselves feel better fills me with horror, and I can no longer be a party to allowing those people in my life.

I hope to continue to take a step back away from SL. I think it's going to be a very slow process, but I can see what a negative distraction it can become, and while I'm involved, I'd like my experiences to be filled with positivity, beauty and creativity.

Have a fantastic Wednesday, guys... and rest assured, although this may have been a bit of a downer to read, this is positive for me, and I hope it stirs something within you, too.

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body Hands & Feet: -Belleza- Freya

Head : GENUS Project (Babyface)

Skin : [theSkinnery] Nadine (Genus Applier)

Eyes : [theSkinnery] Autumn Eerie Eyes 4

Glasses : VCO . Zion glasses [Gold]

Hairbase : Just Magnetized - Essential Hairbase - set 05 

Hair : DOUX - Ryan hairstyle @ Dubai

Earrings : Messy. Hoop Earrings Bear 

Bear ears & Tail : +Half-Deer+ Little Lights - Bear Ears + Tail 

Outfit : .miss chelsea. Nola Set  @ N21

Bear Bag : =Zenith= Babo Bear Bag 

Boots : #EMPIRE - Moonstone @ Tannenbaum

Always me.

Pose : Foxcity Flowers-7m (slim gown)

Background : FOXCITY. Photo Booth - Ballroom (Pastel Multi Chandelier) @ Backdrop City

Honestly, some days my brain is exploding with things to write, but the idea of writing them just makes me cringe...

for that reason, enjoy this gorgeously sparkly dress from Narcisse and some other credited thingy-ma-bobs below!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara

Head & Eyebrows & Eyeliner : GENUS Project - Genus  Bento head  - Mocap (BETA!)

Skin (Head) : Not Found - Sophie Skin @ Cosmopolitan

Skin (Body) : [theSkinnery] Body Applier

Eyes : AMITOMO Eye Collection

Hair : Lamb. Dove @ Uber

Choker : Amala - The Kylie Choker - Thick -  Birthstone Version 

Dress : -Narcisse- Raquel Sequin Dress @ FaMESHed

Rings : (Yummy) Free Spirit Rings

Stockings : .::Dead Dollz::. Sheer Hosiery - Nudite 

Shoes : #EMPIRE - Nemophila 

Legends and myths.

Pose : FOXCITY Play Ball-4

I was so excited about these fairies from HEXtraordinary that I absolutely had to grab them immediately. 

There are a few different colours and options - shoulder sitters, companions, rezzables and the cute lil fae's that are 'trapped' in the bottles. I like to think these are naughty fairies, and they deserve to be there, because why would anyone want to trap such an adorable fantastical fairy.

So, in other news, last night I may have had a small glass of wine or uh, maybe an entire bottle.

I'm not a big drinker, and after one glass (diluted, too, because I'm a complete lightweight), I was definitely feeling the effects.

One of the reasons I dislike drinking is because secretly I might be a bit of a control freak. I don't want to fall into the trap of feeling as though the person I am is dependent on something as fickle as alcohol. It IS a depressant, and I know from experience of working in pubs and of course drinking in my youth (shh, most of us did that), that alcohol has a different way of altering your personality depending on the way you're feeling at the time. I've also been privy to a couple of people who have over-used alcohol as an escape.

Like everything, I suppose it's best used in moderation, and although I had a lovely time with some SL friends, I don't want to repeat the experience too often.

Have a beautiful weekend!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Head & Eyeliner : GENUS Project - Genus  Bento head  - Mocap (BETA!)

Skin (Head) : Not Found - Sophie Skin @ Cosmopolitan

Skin (Body) : [theSkinnery] Body Applier

Eyes : Go&See* Babe * Genus Project Eyes

Hair : [monso] My Hair - Shiranui @ FaMESHed

Headpiece : *LODE* Head Accessory - Kiku Big Crown [tuscan] RARE Not sure where this is from as it was a gift!

Fairies : *HEXtraordinary* Faerie Maidens Gacha @ Gacha Garden

Shirt : Jeune by Rowne.Candice Crop Top (50% off sale!!)

Skirt : *{Junbug}* Olenna Skirt 

Run away.

Pose : FOXCITY. Play Ball-2

Location : Narcisse

Ahhh! How awesome is this siiiim!!! I'm legit freaking out over it, it is SO detailed, and beautiful, and it fits right in to the new Narcisse main store area.

Need to say a thank you for Mal being a creepy clown dude in the background... I didn't steal his credits because he's all blurry and stuffs, but if you need any details, feel free to comment/IM me in world (LollipopLace Resident), and I'll see if I can't persuade him to give them up!

The idea for this picture was supposed to be something far less malicious and actually included fairies (they'll be coming tomorrow), but as soon as I figured out this shot, I knew I had to be a "victim" in a scary movie. You just know that creepy Mal-Clown is gonna manage to trip me up as I attempt an escape from his clutches, and there'll be no more Pickle...

Not entirely sure why all the scary ideas are appearing directly after Halloween, probably because I'm always late to the party, but hey - at least I get there eventually!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara

Skin (Body) : [theSkinnery] Body Applier

Bodysuit : _CD_ Mala Bodysuit Black (Gacha)

Leg straps : -Narcisse- Sabrina Thigh Harness @ Kinky Event

Boots : **UTOPIA@Design** - "NOEMI" @ Uber

Stay.

Pose : FOXCITY. Fixated-2m

Can you tell who someone is from the look of their avatar?

Without doubt, the majority of us will make assumptions based on a particular style someone is sporting.. but if you're anything like me, your style doesn't actually reflect how you feel inside, but more how your outside feels comfortable.

I don't often delve into D/s terms here, mostly because I feel like what you enjoy is nobodies business but yours and your partner, but it seems increasingly obvious to me that how you label yourself in regards to fetish/sex is a pretty  major conversation point within SL.

For example, when I popped these gorgeous pearls from Narcisse on I felt like I should be kneeling at a worthy somebody's feet, but I'm certain that if you were to style the top with a pair of leather pants, and some serious fuck-me-heels, you could easily pass as a more Dominant presence.

I hope you're not offended by the spattering of foof and nipnops today, I'm always concerned that it's going to be overkill on the nudity!

Wishing your humpday to be full of light and laughter ♥

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body, Hands & Feet : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara

Skin (Head) : Not Found - Lucy Skin 

Skin (Body) : [TheSkinnery] 

Head :  CATWA HEAD Magy

Hair :  tram H0414 hair

Pearls : -Narcisse- Jayla Pearl Set @ Kinky Event

Nipple piercings : Kibitz - drops nipple

Yesteryear.

Pose & Marker : *!R.O!* Detention BENTO Pose

Background & Props : - UTILIZATOR- Classroom

-tres blah- Hodgepodge - Paper Pile (Gacha)

I was a pretty decent student when I was at school, definitely kind of middle-of-the-road.

I didn't really enjoy maths and numbers still confuse me, but give me a book to read, or a story to write and I'd be in my element.

When I was around 14, a girl called Karen decided she didn't like me anymore. I was okay with that, because she was a big meanie anyway - but she was kinda scary. She'd had a fight with a girl in the year above one lunchtime, and everyone had spread out to the local park to watch it happen... not only was there hair pulling and scratching but I distinctly remember the sound of a couple of punches connecting too. For this reason, I was afraid of her.

See, I have a mouth. I can shout my mouth off until the cows come home. I can rip you a new bumhole, make you feel like utter crap, and still have a slew of insults ready to throw in your face, but put me next to someone who's ready to fight and I'll offer to hold the coats and keep the earrings safe in my pocket.

Karen sat behind me in maths. I could hear her muttering about me to the girl sitting next to her, so I turned around and told her she was distracting me, because I could hear everything. She ignored me, and continued to talk crap, looking me in the eye as she said "Yeah? What you gonna do about it?"

I had been pushed by this girl for weeks, and in that moment - the only moment in my life I have actually fully blacked out, I reached forward and slapped her hard across the face.

To say she was shocked was an understatement. No one expected little Pickle to retaliate in that kind of way. The whole classroom was quiet... and me?

I turned around, lay my head on the desk, and sobbed my heart out, out of fear, out of frustration and out of anger.

For the record, Karen later got her own back on me, and threw a can of tango at my head... now, we're friends on facebook!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Body Hands & Feet: -Belleza- Freya

Skin (Head) : Not Found - Lia Skin Toffee (Catwa)

Skin (Body) : [TheSkinnery] Toffee

Head :  CATWA HEAD Catya

Ears : L'Etre - Crystal mesh ears 

Hair : .Entwined. Paige 

Shirt : BUENO-Nina Top @ Uber

Nails : ~GD~Doll Anthem(Long Coffin)

Skirt : Bueno Happy Skirt @ Kustom9

I'll be there.

Pose : *!R.O!* Ignored BENTO Couple Pose (includes teddy & controller)

Background & Props : Trompe Loeil - Margaux Photo Backdrop + Surround

dust bunny . giant palm plant

dust bunny . spicy fiesta @ Uber

{vespertine}- aglaonema plant.

{vespertine}- aloe vera plant.

BUENO-Pizza Boxes

BUENO-Gamer- OG

BUENO-Cooler Bangers-Seoul Beer

Junk Food - Hexbox 1 Scattered Games

Junk Food - Hexbox Games Stack

ARIA - Brynn Leather Sofa

(epia) - Retro Television

Say hi again to Apple! She's featured once already in this blog, under the name of Kat, but because she's a happy little weirdo, she's changed her name to Apple so that we can be juicy together! Who wouldn't want a thick juicy Pickle and Apple combination?!

I know I've recently had a bit of a weep about my inability to maintain friendships, but Apple has been someone pretty darn constant for a fair few months, and she deserves a bit of a shout out.

When she first messaged me, I was kinda scared of her - I mean, she's gorgeous, right? Not only is she pretty af, but she's also absolutely freakin' hilarious. Legit! There's rarely a comment she makes where I don't LOL or OMG at her.

I think it helps that we have very similar humours, the drier and wittier the better - and she's an expert at one liners.

So, although I'm terrible at friendships, I'm also incredibly grateful for the ones that push through and remain despite my constant weirdness, the ones who hold me up when I'm feeling absolutely at my lowest and who let me obsess and rant and vent and over-talk until I'm feeling like the OGPickle. I only hope that I give you back half of what you guys give me!

xoxo

All of the things, Pickle (Left) :

Body, Hands & Feet : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara

Skin (Head) : Not Found - Lia Skin Toffee (Catwa)

Skin (Body) : [TheSkinnery] Toffee

Head :  CATWA HEAD Catya

Eyes : -SU!- Ophelia Eyes Fatpack /ULTRARARE/ (Gacha)

Ears : L'Etre - Crystal mesh ears 

Lipstick : [PF] CATWA Lipstick - Queen Palette

Hair : tram H0813 hair

Tattoo : *Bolson / Token @ Uber

Shirt : Emery Nothing To Hide Crop Top @ Uber

Pants : .miss chelsea. Reba Pants for Saturday Sale

All of the things, Apple (Right) : 

Body, Hands & Feet : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara

Skin (Head) : Not Found - Lia Skin Toffee (Catwa)

Skin (Body) : [TheSkinnery] Toffee

Head :  CATWA HEAD Catya

Hair : RAMA Salon - Amber Hair for Saturday Sale

Shirt :  [Fetch] Four little words tee 

Rings : **RE** Witchy Rings

Pants : .miss chelsea. Reba Pants for Saturday Sale

Slides : Mossu - Sparkle.Platforms

Take me back.

Pose : FOXCITY Sits Vol2-6

Location : Southern Roots

I'm sure many of you get reflective moments. For me, I feel like they happen far too regularly. I have extreme issues 'letting go' of even the most toxic of people, so when I've walked away from some one who I genuinely adore because of my own past issues, I tend to over-examine every little detail.

Many times I've discussed my personal brand of crazy. I'm well aware that there are things I do that have been almost conditioned into me from previous relationships, and right now I feel like I am SO self aware that anything you can tell me about what you think I need, I am already aware of. 

The whole ordeal of moving on to become the best version of yourself is really stinkin' hard. Like - ridiculously hard. I didn't think I would encounter as much support, but I also wasn't aware of the people I would lose in the process, but it's impossible for everyone you know to grow at the same speed as you are.

The only way to describe what is happening in my head right now is like there was a blanket over me - almost as though I was a frightened little girl sitting on her bed, contentedly using her flashlight to read into fantasy books and ignoring the whirlwind of life around her, but now that blanket has been yanked away - although I'm still using it for comfort and clinging on desperately to a corner, unable to completely let go. But now? Now there's a whole storm of the rest of my life that needs to be tamed that I can see. Think of the Tornado at the beginning of the classic movie "The Wizard of Oz" where you have friends, family and places just swimming around you.

For me, right now I'm at the stage where i'm making grabby hands at the most important things. My health, my family, my home.

It's a fight I want to continue, no matter how hard it gets - and today, and for the past couple of weeks it HAS been difficult... but once this awkward patch has passed, I'm going to be back on it, grabbing at everyone and everything that is most important to me. I am determined to be a better me, regardless of how many people I leave in my wake - this is MY time.

xoxo

All of the things :

Body, Hands & Feet : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara

Skin (Head) : Not Found - Lia Skin Toffee (Catwa)

Skin (Body) : [TheSkinnery] Toffee

Head :  CATWA HEAD Magy

Eyes : -SU!- Ophelia Eyes Fatpack /ULTRARARE/ (Gacha)

Ears : L'Etre - Crystal mesh ears 

Hair : :::Phoenix::: Tisha Hair 

Outfit : .miss chelsea. Sade Top & .miss chelsea. Sade Shorts @ N21

Rings : KUNGLERS - Rowen rings @ Shiny Shabby

Boots : #EMPIRE - Gazania @ Kustom9

Lost innocence.

Pose : Modified beyond recognition.

Location :  Mythical Serenity

I adore these froggies from Culprit at Enchantment this round. The large toad Pickle sits on is a rare mount version - there are four of those colours to collect, and the smaller frogs are common companions, with several varieties to grab!

Go get all the goodies!

xoxo

All of the things : 

Frawgs : Culprit FRAWGS @ Enchantment

Body Hands & Feet: -Belleza- Freya

Skin (Head) : Not Found - Lia Skin Toffee (Catwa)

Skin (Body) : [TheSkinnery] Toffee

Head :  CATWA HEAD Magy

Ears : L'Etre - Crystal mesh ears 

Hair : .Shi Hair : Articulate .@ TMD

Hat : From Exile - Break the Rules  Hair

Sunglasses : #SHOOK - Solari Sunglasses

Bikini : [VALE KOER] SUGARDOLL BIKINI

Rings : (Yummy) Free Spirit Rings 

Every melody.

Pose : (See below for explanation) *!R.O!* Violin BENTO Pose 2 (includes violin & bow)

Location : Bliss 

Once again I'm featuring the amazing Violin poses from Reve Obscura.

I think that because these poses resonated with me so hard, I needed to make them extra special in terms of fantasy and doing something different, so hence we have a crazy Centaur Pickle who seems to want to play the violin in the moonlight by the sea - because why the fudge not?

The pose itself is made for regular human avatars, which means from the tummy up I'm using the Violin pose. Technically the body I'm wearing isn't a horse, it's a deer (which is just as cute, obvs), and when you wear it, there's an AO that is automatically started, so of course, your arms wiggle around with your existing animations, but the newly acquired hooves will behave as though they have a life of their own. The raising up on the hind legs is part of that AO, so as you can imagine there was a little bit of timing involved in taking this picture!

Because of the nature of this outfit, I'm not doing regular grey background in-world type pictures today. That being said, have a peek at all the goodies below, so you can become your very own deer/centaur person thing!

xoxo

All of the things  : 

Body : Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara 

Head : CATWA Magy

Skin : [theSkinnery] Laura

Eyes : CATWA Mesh Eyes

Hair : *ARGRACE* UREI 

Hairband & Birds : CURELESS [+] Flower Kissers Tiara 

Chain & Bones : Moon Elixir - Valkyrie - Bodychain 

Pasties :  Moon Elixir  - Courtesan (Gacha)

Deer Body : Tentacio & .{PSYCHO:Byts}. Childrens of Diana RARE (Gacha)