Say hi again to Apple! She's featured once already in this blog, under the name of Kat, but because she's a happy little weirdo, she's changed her name to Apple so that we can be juicy together! Who wouldn't want a thick juicy Pickle and Apple combination?!
I know I've recently had a bit of a weep about my inability to maintain friendships, but Apple has been someone pretty darn constant for a fair few months, and she deserves a bit of a shout out.
When she first messaged me, I was kinda scared of her - I mean, she's gorgeous, right? Not only is she pretty af, but she's also absolutely freakin' hilarious. Legit! There's rarely a comment she makes where I don't LOL or OMG at her.
I think it helps that we have very similar humours, the drier and wittier the better - and she's an expert at one liners.
So, although I'm terrible at friendships, I'm also incredibly grateful for the ones that push through and remain despite my constant weirdness, the ones who hold me up when I'm feeling absolutely at my lowest and who let me obsess and rant and vent and over-talk until I'm feeling like the OGPickle. I only hope that I give you back half of what you guys give me!
So today has kinda been one of those days. I woke up late, which was actually nice, because who doesn't like a lie-in, but after that I feel like it's been a bit of an annoying trial by fire day. Not that anything major has happened, it hasn't. I'm just frustrated by little things and then I get more frustrated because the little things are making me want to throw objects at people.
I'm sure you get where i'm coming from!
We all have days where things just don't go the way we want them to, or we end up rushing around trying to complete things. I am quickly learning that there is an art to this - and it's making it very necessary for me to say NO more often. Part of me hates saying no to other people - but it's far more important for me right now (as a very selfish Pickle) to say no to others in order to have the energy to say yes to myself.
Anyway! Here's some awesome things, created by even more awesome people! Be sure to keep scrolling down after the information bit so you can see the fantastic dress by Shook in all it's three-length glory!
Ever since I wrote about my daughter, I've been feeling kind of introspective. My moods have been slightly more unstable (lol.. shh.) and I've been thinking probably far too deeply about certain things.
I feel lucky right now - lucky because I really did have an outpouring of support, and I also was lucky enough to have some beautiful people reach out to me and tell me their stories, some so similar that my heart hurts for them, others so different that I am grateful again for the support of my extended family.
It all got me thinking about all the absolutely shitty things I have done in my life.
I don't consider myself a bad human, quite the opposite. But sometimes, sometimes, that miserable, jaded asshole comes out from inside me, and I end up striking out at people who just do not deserve the sharpness of my tongue.
I am not a violent person, but I know that I am capable of hurting people with my words, and when I am hurting the easiest thing for me to do is to lash out and hurt someone else. Misery loves company, right?
I have done some terrible, terrible mean things both in SL and out. I've hurt people on purpose because they hurt me. I've planned out horrible revenge on people and systematically broken them down, all in the name of "But it'll be funny". I can be incredibly manipulative and I'm more than capable of telling people what they want to hear in order to get what I want.. but now?
I don't want to be that person.
Whenever that part of me rears up, I become hyper aware of the fact that I am becoming what I hate. I have to sometimes start along the 'mean' track, to be able to realize what I'm doing is wrong, and reverse it. I know this is painting me in an awful light - and maybe I'm justifying wrongly, but I don't believe this makes me an awful person - it just makes me a person.
I think my moral standards are pretty high, for the most part. But as I grow, as I develop, it's important that I remember those mean things I've done in order to never put anyone through that again. It's important that I take ownership of those mistakes, apologize wherever is appropriate, and move on from them, because I don't want to continue down that same path.
It's also important that I really, truly DO grow from having made those decisions in the past, and attempt to consciously never put anyone through that kind of pain again.
Naturally, I'm going to slip sometimes... and all I can do is apologize and take ownership again when or if that happens, but as long as I continue doing my best to be the best me I can be, to be kind and patient wherever possible, to grow positively with hope and love rather than pain and hurt... I think I'll be doing okay.
I have this one friend in SL who has been with me since almost the very beginning of my journey. Almost 10 years, now.
Unfortunately for me (but luckily for her!) her RL has become far too busy to allow her to pop into SL very often. It doesn't escape me however how very lucky I am to have her in my life.
Yesterday we talked again for the first time in maybe four months, she slid easily back into my life, and I hers, and we chatted about everything, real and virtual.. then all too soon it was time for her to disappear again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad. I mean, it would be lovely to spend much more time with her. However, I firmly believe that her time is far better spent in the real world, doing the real things. The one thing I have noticed lately is the negativity, and we briefly chatted last night about how 10 years ago we were so much more likely to befriend someone on a whim. Now, both of us question motives... and I can't help but wonder, what is it about this secondlife, a place where you can be anything, and anyone, that makes people want to be mean?
Why are people creating relationships only to abandon them without word?
What makes you cuss and swear at that stranger you approached 5 minutes ago, when all they've done is signify a slight difference of opinion?
Are we becoming a society of callous, self entitled, pseudo-humans unable to take even the slightest bit of constructive criticism, preferring to have smoke blown up our butts than to have ways to improve pointed out?
More to the point, why are we so desperate to have these mean spirited people like us?
I feel like it's so nice to be nice, why would I try to be anything but? Of course, I have my moments where I'm a right raging bitch... but usually I have been pushed to that point.
Do something nice today, if it's a positive word to a friend, or a compliment to a stranger. Be someone good, someone you'd like to meet. Just for today.
