Once again I stole Mal for a quick picture. He makes quite a good man-dolly, poor Durex is no doubt quaking that he has lost his spot!
The idea for this picture is that Mal is getting ready to go to work, but being the super needy Pickle, I've jumped on him. I think it's fairly obvious from his expression that he wasn't expecting a chunky lump of me on his back! I hope you enjoy the pretties today, and while you look at all the credits, I'm going to jump back on him, because No, No. You cannot has the work today. Ok?
I have no wise words today! Have some pretties from Moss&Mink, Empire, Dappa and Go&See - also, the dress that i'm wearing comes from RLD which ends extremely soon, so if you haven't made it to this round, hurry your butt up and get there before the goodies are gone!!
{moss&mink} Floor Cushion GIFT Note : Moss&Mink are giving away TWO GUEST PASSES for the arcade early access, and also THREE MONTHS of access to the blogotex (that means all the releases during that time will be given away free!). All you need to do is join the group in world - you can do so at the landmark provided or click >Here< ... and don't forget to pick up the group gifts! There are more that aren't shown!
Includes : *AR* - Dossel - Shabby Princess (Canopy - note, Moss&Mink will be releasing TWO canopy options that perfectly match the Chloe Crib @ the mainstore soon!)
Set up inside the Trompe Loeil - Margaux Photo Backdrop + Surround
Today's post is going to get a bit real, and I'm already having a slight amount of anxiety about it, but I think it might lead to a greater understanding for people of me - and maybe other people out there like me. It's also going to pave the way for bitches to be petty, but you know what? Bring that shit on, because NOTHING can make me feel worse than what I'm going to explain.
I've briefly grazed over some of the issues I face daily, just with the way my brain works. These issues haven't just affected my life, my also the life of my daughter.
While I took this picture I was absolutely overcome with emotion, my daughter doesn't live with me. She lives with my parents. She's not neglected - quite the opposite, but when she was eight years old I had to make a decision. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, but one that I would make over again for her benefit.
So, I have agoraphobia, borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. Where none of these 'issues' leave me wanting to do harm to myself, or others, it does mean there are days or weeks where I do feel unable to take care of myself. These issues began to heighten around the time my daughter started Primary School (around 5-6) and though she was always clean, fed, clothed, loved etc etc... she did start to miss School and other important appointments because I as a mother, couldn't give her what she needed. Help stepped in, and around the age of eight, I allowed her to go and live permanently with her Grandparents.
Part of me has always felt like I'd never be a good enough mother for her. When she was a baby that feeling was easy to ignore - everyone is overwhelmed when they have a baby, because all of a sudden you realize that baby is going to grow up into a person, and you're almost solely responsible for everything it takes to get them to be functional as a human. Once that thought has sunken in, there are trials that arise.. she needs a patch to correct a lazy eye (Thanks babydaddy), so you have to think up ways to make "being a pirate" cool, you spend weeks showing her a potty and getting her to do poopoo's and peepee's there, cleaning up when she has an accident in the bed at 3am. There's dentist appointments, doctors, and then playschools and nurserys, and mothers groups and filling their days with activities - along with all the things you both need to survive. Cleaning the house, making sure there's food in the cupboard, general Adulting that comes so easy to most.
When I made the decision to allow my parents to take over, I thought it would be temporary. After a few months, it became obvious that my issues weren't going to just go away... and surprise! I'm still stuck in the same rut - probably worse if I'm being honest with myself - and she's just turned 15. My parents have all the rights I have as a mother, they make her decisions (of course, I'm included. There are still meetings and phone calls and appointments I can sit in on). It's since been discovered that she has autism, and because of that her behaviour can be challenging. Sometimes, I don't see her as much as I should because I am unable to leave the house - and that's NOT OKAY... but we speak often over the phone, and although I don't have the normal "Mother/Daughter" relationship with her, I think she knows without a doubt that she is loved.
When she was 14, just before her 15th birthday, she called me, her voice was excited as she walked home from the local park.
"Mum, mum! I kissed a boy today."
I don't know if I ever told my mother that.
Every day I wake up to the fact that I am not a good enough mother to be a Mum to my own child.
Every time the phone rings, I am scared that it is my daughter or my parents, that something bad has happened and I'm unable to be there directly.
There have been times within SL where I have mentioned my situation to people, and as soon as their loyalties have switched, or I am no longer of use to them, they have thrown the fact that my daughter doesn't live with me in my face, that's nothing compared to the reality of that cold, hard fact. Let me just tell you, for many people who willingly "give their child up" to put in someone else's care, it's not about the adult. It's about the child. I could not care for her the way she deserved. Now she is with my parents an entire world of opportunity has opened up for her... She can play instruments. She goes to multiple out-of school activities that I would never be able to keep up with. She is getting the help and support she needs to be able to deal with her Autism. Her prescription glasses are always up to date, because she's being taken to all the appointments on time, etc etc. She is loved. She is cared for. She is her own person. The only... ONLY regret I have is that I am not there for it all, but I am watching. I am cheering her on, and I will never, ever stop being the person who carried her for 9 months in my belly, she will ALWAYS be my baby, and I will ALWAYS be available to her, just not in the conventional way.
I'm not sure if there's a point here, other than to keep on keeping on, the best way you know how.
xoxo
Most of the things, Little Pickle :
*Note : this is an alternate avatar, some appliers, including skin, are lost forever in her inventory because it is not at all organized!
I have this one friend in SL who has been with me since almost the very beginning of my journey. Almost 10 years, now.
Unfortunately for me (but luckily for her!) her RL has become far too busy to allow her to pop into SL very often. It doesn't escape me however how very lucky I am to have her in my life.
Yesterday we talked again for the first time in maybe four months, she slid easily back into my life, and I hers, and we chatted about everything, real and virtual.. then all too soon it was time for her to disappear again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad. I mean, it would be lovely to spend much more time with her. However, I firmly believe that her time is far better spent in the real world, doing the real things. The one thing I have noticed lately is the negativity, and we briefly chatted last night about how 10 years ago we were so much more likely to befriend someone on a whim. Now, both of us question motives... and I can't help but wonder, what is it about this secondlife, a place where you can be anything, and anyone, that makes people want to be mean?
Why are people creating relationships only to abandon them without word?
What makes you cuss and swear at that stranger you approached 5 minutes ago, when all they've done is signify a slight difference of opinion?
Are we becoming a society of callous, self entitled, pseudo-humans unable to take even the slightest bit of constructive criticism, preferring to have smoke blown up our butts than to have ways to improve pointed out?
More to the point, why are we so desperate to have these mean spirited people like us?
I feel like it's so nice to be nice, why would I try to be anything but? Of course, I have my moments where I'm a right raging bitch... but usually I have been pushed to that point.
Do something nice today, if it's a positive word to a friend, or a compliment to a stranger. Be someone good, someone you'd like to meet. Just for today.
I make no secret of the fact that I have been incredibly unlucky when it comes to SL relationships, or well, relationships of any kind, really.
I'm hard-headed, opinionated, and while I can play the placid wall-flower for a certain amount of time, it's never long before the screaming angry bitch in me comes out and wants to make stabby hands when I'm least expecting it.
You know what I learned from accidentally dating all these wrong men?
It's not always me that has the problem.
Many times I have felt myself curl up into this position mentally. Wondering what the fudge I can do to make things better. I should be meeker, I should be louder, I should have more confidence, I shouldn't talk back, I should shrink myself to the point where I'm almost pocket-sized and won't interfere with their life at all. Instead, I'll just slot right in without a word, and they'll eventually see that I'm perfect, they'll wonder what they ever did without me, and that's what love is.
I know this isn't healthy, and I see it all now. But then... then all that mattered was me making them happy, regardless of the toll it was having on my health, on my mental state.
Any grown man would have seen what I was doing and called me on it. Instead, these boys took advantage and played with my head even more. Slightly broken, and slightly bruised (ego-wise), I made a decision to just stop. I even remember saying to a close friend "I'm done with the whole SL dating thing, every time I meet a man I like they allow me to forget what it is I love to do, they don't support me, and they poke fun at my interests. Fuck this. Punch me next time I tell you about that awesome new guy I like, please?"
And then Santi came along.
I wasn't interested at all.
In fact, it took two good friends to tell me to give him a chance before I even acknowledged him, but rather than him jumping up and down, forcing himself on me, he stood patiently waiting for the moment I would see him - and then, I did.
Things aren't easy all the time, and we've had a couple of bumps, but I no longer have that bad feeling in my stomach.
I don't worry that I'm going to oversleep and he's going to have left me 12 emails, 6 voice messages and a thousand skype texts asking me who i'm fucking and threatening me.
I'm not making myself sick when he hangs up on me, because it's not leading to another 3-day absence where he could be 'cheating' on me.
He doesn't get jealous when I explain to him that the reason I am the way I am is because of shitbags I've just described, and he'll rationalize and take that pain away for me for a while, and most of all, I know that unconditionally, he is there for me (unless his sodding internet gives out!).
In just a few short months, he has begun to help me undo and understand what I have been through with past relationships simply by allowing me to talk about them with him and get through the "Why am I like this?" crap. I've never, ever thought of myself as an insecure person, and it's not just "SL" people who I have had issues with in the past, it's RL too...
Essentially, what I'm trying to say is, if it makes your tummy turn, if it causes you any sort of anxiety to be in the relationship you're in, for the sake of yourself and your sanity, run away. There are ups and downs in every relationship, sure, but you know if you're in a good one, and if you can escape the bad one, you need to find the strength to do it. Being alone isn't that bad, and I believe that there's got to be a Santi for everyone.
This post has been a bit confusing to work out how to express. I knew I wanted to do something with Santi, but I wasn't sure how. I also didn't really want to do your typical Valentine's post ON Valentines day... and I'm going to explain both of these things.. so bear with.
Addressing the fact that I didn't want to do anything loveydovey on Valentines day is going to be difficult, which is probably why it's a couple of days after the event that this is finally coming together.
I'm sure there are many people like me who although they may adore the 'idea' of Valentines day, the actual day itself has always lacked. I don't mean anything super negative has happened, it hasn't... but I've been alone for so long without a partner in either RL or SL on Valentines that it had become another day for those coupled up people to rub it in my face that they were celebrating with someone who they love, while I was on the couch with my ice cream, wondering if Cupid was ever going to visit me.
This year, I didn't want to be one of those lovey dovey couples just because I have a Santi. I even caused a massively dramatic scene the day before that exhausted me, purely because in my experience ANY "Holiday" has had a negative context when I have been in a relationship with anyone. The last really good Valentines day I can remember has been when I was 16, and back then, it mattered because of teenage angst and knowing someone liked me enough to give me a card and spent his last £1.50 on a banana milkshake from McDonalds for me was more than I could have wished for. (I don't even like banana milkshake, but to this day, I don't think the guy knows that!!)
I also don't buy into the whole "This one day makes up for the rest of the year where I don't tell you that I love you. and I'm only buying you a gift because I feel like I absolutely have to thanks to the hugely advertised day that today is and if I don't you might physically hurt me" or something maybe less sensational.
So I did what I always do, and over-talked Santi into an explanation of "Although I get the appeal of Valentines day, I don't want presents and I'm not just saying I don't want presents I really really don't want presents, but I do want to spend the day with you are you confused yet?" kinda thing, because I do not want ANYONE to feel like gifts they are getting are because some person a long time ago decided lovers needed to express their love on this specific one day a year. I want gifts I get, or gifts I give to be personal and given purely because I popped in their mind at -that- point. Not out of obligation.
Lawd. Take a breath, Pickle.
For the actual blog post, I wanted to make it somehow different, and luckily this dress from CandyDoll totally allows for that.
It loosely connects to Santi's blog "This Guy's Eye" that you can find >Here<.
As you can see from his post, he's wandering along to my house. I want you to imagine me peeking out of the window, seeing that view and snapping a quick photo to remember that moment. Then skip along to my top picture... Santi has handed me the bouquet, and snapped a quick picture of me, along with the special tea I've prepared for him.
Naturally, after some cake and a cup of tea, things have progressed, and you'll see below, they're becoming a little heated... what happens next isn't suitable for my blog. :P
Necklace & Choker : Kibitz - Love necklaces - gold
Dress : _CandyDoll_ Layla Dress (Note: Dress comes with two versions included, open & closed. Open shown on bottom photo & will give a view of your netherbits!) @ Collabor88
Just a Man-Pickle Quickie today (snickers, that sounds so dirty!).
The Men's Dept opens up today at midday (TMD), and there are SO many options available this month my little heart squee'd! Yes, I know that's not very manly, but underneath this pretty-boy exterior I'm still just regular Lady-Pickle, and I really couldn't help it.
It hit me that i've never actually done a 'proper' close up of Man-Pickle, and I decided that's exactly what he needed. Luckily, this Birth skin provided the perfect base for that. I was incredibly pleasantly surprised by the skin, Birth used to be my go-to for man-skins back before the introduction of mesh heads and bodies, and for a moment I thought maybe they had dropped the ball, or perhaps even left SL (Gasp!). Thankfully, they're still going strong, and have just proved to me that some long-standing stores are still worth exploring, and you shouldn't rule them out for good! The body is actually really nice too. There's some super-sexy sinewy arm muscles, and the torso and back are pretty much shaded perfectly. The only tiny issue I have is that once you get to their darker tones, they seem to loose a certain depth of detail, but I can't imagine how difficult it is to make skins in the first place, so kudos to them for designing a palette suitable for many!
Whatever Modulus is doing with his hair he needs to continue. For reals, this one is SO perfect I nearly fell off my chair. The subtle babyhair at the front is amaze, I love that it blends so easily in with his hairbases and I can't help feeling like this is another store I have left under-rated for a while, but NO MORE! Modulus, step up and collect your Man-Pickle prize! (I don't know what it is, don't really. I'm entirely unprepared!)
As usual, more details below! ♥
All of the things :
Body, Hands & Feet : [SIGNATURE] Gianni - Mesh Body
